I had an experience recently where I had to confront someone I love for the 100th time about a behavior that both bothers me and affects my life. I was told by many when this issue first came up that I had to make a decision and follow through or it will continue to happen and affect me and my happiness. I didn’t listen, and they were right. You see, when someone willingly does something that they KNOW will upset you, they apologize. But the words aren’t the apology. The permanent change in behvior is the apology and a significant sign of repsect. That takes time. So when they repeat the behavior and again you accept the words as a means of remorse & repair. They will continue to hurt you because all it costs them is an apology. It’s like a bandaid over a bullet wound, it’s a small temporary fix, for big permanent problem. And it’s your own fault it keeps repeating itself because you settle for the bandaid. There wasn’t any permanent fix and healing, because you had no follow through.
So as I was confronting them. Their immediate response was to question & attack me with subjects that were clearly not involved in the inital conversation. This is called Deflection. It’s used by those that are insecure, and therefore have no desire or confidence to confront and own their insecurites. They will inturn segway into assaults on you, your faults, and even your character. I know because I use to be this miserable , spiteful person. Used it all the time because it generally worked. And now it was working it’s magic on me. Until I woke up the next day and realized what I had let happen, and that not only was nothing solved, but now I was emotionally beat down by someone who was suppose to love me. I had let them make ME feel like I was a piece of shit. Now, had I caught them in the act of deflecting, I wouldn’t feel like I currently do. When someone immediately starts to question and attack you about subjects that aren’t adding a resolution or value to the arguement, My therapist says that you need to redirect, “we can talk about that in a minute lets solve what’s in front of us right now.” She says if that doesn’t work, disengage. They aren’t going to listen with the intent to understand, they are only going to listen with the intent to reply. Ah yes. One of my favorite quotes. She knows what to say, and she knows how to say it. My therapist is one smart cookie. I’d be setting fires in all areas of my life if she wasn’t my continued voice of reason. The lesson I’m trying to forage here is Confront those that you want to keep in your lives, but parts of their behavior are affecting your peace and happiness. When confronting them don’t let them deflect and pick you apart, those are issues you can discuss once the issue at hand is resolved. Have a clear plan of what the outcome will be if they repeat said behavior even if that involves removing them from your life. Follow throught with that plan of action. As uncomfortable as it is to have to confront and even remove someone from your life, it’s temporary. It’s alot less miserable & disdainful than continuing to let them willingly do things that hurt and upset you throughout your life and will cause permanent pain and resentment. Make the decision that will heal you permanently. Don’t settle for bandaids. No one that truly loves and respects you will continue to hurt you. You were not put here to be someones emotional punching bag.
You deserve to feel respected, heard, and important and deserve to be surrounded by better human beings I promise….No matter who is making you feel like you don’t. You do. Never settle and never let your self respect be challenged.
Love to all of you.
A. Crawford
Iron & Grit 